The Dark Souls II boss battle scorecard

Before Dark Souls II was released on PC this past Friday, I'd already finished the game twice on Xbox 360 (once on New Game +). It'd be madness to purchase the game again and beat it a third time just for the privilege of playing it at 60fps in 1080p, especially since I wasn't all that crazy about Dark Souls II in the first place, right? Absolute insanity.

So, yes, my third playthrough went swimmingly, completed in just over nine hours (a testament to how quickly these Souls games go when you actually know what you're doing and where you're going). I was considering doing a double dip review of the PC version to complement my first write-up, and that's still on the table, but for now, I thought I'd have a little fun and assemble a scorecard for the game's bosses, much like I once did for the first Dark Souls. This playthrough marked me finally encountering and killing Darklurker, meaning I've officially fought everything on this list.

Since I've completed the game three times, including once on NG+, there will be a slight point deduction for any boss that I never died against. 'Cause, y'know, these games are supposed to be hard. (Pictured above: Looking Glass Knight.)

The Last Giant

          +5 for having an anus for a face

          +10 for breaking off his own arm and hitting you with it

          +3 for not being terribly far from the nearest checkpoint

          +5 for being an all-around good starter boss

          -3 for taking so long

                    total: 20

The Pursuer

          +5 for being optional

          +2 for being a big armored guy; I'm sure that won't get old

          -5 for showing up earlier in the level and terrorizing unsuspecting players

          +1 for reappearing in the Smelter Demon arena later on

          -1 for not dropping many souls for that battle

          +12 for being shuttled around everywhere by a giant bird

          +3 for guarding the shortcut into the Lost Bastille

          +3 and the Drangleic Armor set, which kicks ass

          -10 for the impale attack

          +5 for being extremely vulnerable to ballista fire

          +6 for letting players troll each other with the ballistas

                    score: 21

Dragonrider

          -8 for boss I never died against

          +3 for that trick with the rising platforms

          +2 for at least setting up shop in a pretty area

          +5 for being a guy who apparently rides dragons

          +1 for showing up early and therefore not feeling redundant

                    score: 3

Old Dragonslayer

          -8 for boss I never died against

          +5 for being optional

          +6 for being Ornstein!

          -3 because that's lazy

          +2 for guarding the Tower Shield, which I used a lot

                    score: 2

Flexile Sentry

          -8 for boss I never died against 

          +5 for being optional (technically)

          +6 for being a two-headed pirate bastard

          -4 for that annoying switch hunt required to summon the ship

                    score: -1

Ruin Sentinels

          +5 for being optional

          +5 for only being optional if you explore thoroughly

          -10 for making me fight three of these damn things

          +3 because at least you can fight the first one solo

          -4 for shield-throwing

          +5 because the shield-throwing renders them lower on defenses

          -8 for being guarded by something like a dozen quick soldiers

          -5 for showing up later in Drangleic Castle and being annoying

                    score: -9

Belfry Gargoyles

          +5 for being optional

          -3 for being a repeat of the Bell Gargoyle fight from the first game

          -10 which everybody freaking hated

          -10 for there being five of them this time

          -12 which you'll fight simultaneously if you're not quick enough

          -12 for constant invasions in the area directly preceding this

                    score: -42

Lost Sinner

          +8 for the bug crawling out of the eye socket

          -2 because this is where I started to get sick of bipedal armored guys

          -3 for being insanely quick

          -6 for making me wade past a bunch of exploding zombies to get here

          -10 for summoning two phantoms mid-fight on NG+

          -1 for being an underwhelming Great Soul holder, all things considered

                    score: -14

The Skeleton Lords

          -3 for being more a collection of small enemies than a boss

          -5 for those damned skeleton wheel guys

          +1 I don't hate this boss

                    score: -7

Executioner's Chariot

          +5 for being optional

          -6 for sure as hell seeming mandatory

          -7 for the stupid skeletons

          -8 because the stupid skeletons respawn

          +4 because at least you can kill the necromancers

          -10 for getting run over basically meaning an instant death

          -10 for having two phases

          -12 for the hassle it takes to get back every time you die

          -30 for not even guarding anything interesting

                    score: -74

Covetous Demon

          -8 for boss I never died against

          +8 for looking like Jabba the Hutt

                    score: 0

Mytha, the Baneful Queen

          -20 for the battle being set in a pool of poisonous water

          +5 because at least you can drain the water

          -5 because no one would figure that out without help

          +9 for attacking by throwing her own head, which is awesome

          -2 for regenerating health while standing in the poison pool

                    score: -13

Smelter Demon

          +5 for being optional

          -3 for being another damn armored guy

          -5 for burning players who stand too close

          +5 for guarding a handy checkpoint

          +3 for being a good point of reference for locating Zweihander

          -1 in memory of players everywhere with low fire defense

                    score: 4

Old Iron King

          +5 for basically being a Balrog

          -5 because a big goat demon rising out of lava is kinda clichéd

          +8 for the massive, creepy idol immediately preceding this fight

          -10 for just standing there and pounding the ground like a goof

          +6 for having a hand beam

          -6 for having a hand beam

                    score: -2

Royal Rat Authority

          +5 for being optional

          -3 for being more a collection of small enemies than a boss

          +10 for being the weirdest boss of the Souls series

          -7 for the constant status afflictions

          -5 for the actual boss not showing up immediately

          -5 for the "grey spirit" invasion nonsense preceding this fight

                    score: -5

The Rotten

          +10 for being made of bodies

          +8 for the genuinely intriguing intro cutscene

          +5 because you can chop his arms off

          +10 because he'll still swing at you with the stumps, adorably

          -6 for the grab attack

          -4 for the fire pits

          +20 for being a social reject and a big, lovable doofus

                    score: 43

Scorpioness Najka

          +5 for boobs

          -6 for boobs with no nipples

          +8 for being a giant scorpion lady

          +8 because she's got a friend called the "Manscoprion"

          -10 for that burrow attack

          +5 because you can chop her limbs off

          -4 for the toxic attacks

                    score: 6

Prowling Magus and Congregation

          -8 for boss I never died against

          -3 for being more a collection of small enemies than a boss

          +1 pity point for being statistically the game's least-killed enemy

                    score: -10

Royal Rat Vanguard

          +5 for being optional

          -10 just rehashing the Sif fight

          -20 and removing everything that was cool about it

          -15 for the charge attack

          -10 for having rat cronies

          -10 who give you toxic

          +7for being a rat so massive it looks like a dog

          +12 for the bonfire being extremely close

                    score: -41

The Duke's Dear Freja

          +20 for being a giant two-headed spider that shoots lasers

          +10 for the title "Duke's Dear"

          -5 for the little spiders

          -10 who respawn

          +8 for having one of the game's few cool "lairs"

          +12 for the neat little dragon memory it's guarding

          +9 for surprising you at an earlier spot on NG+

                    score: 44

Twin Dragonriders

          -5 for just being a repeat of an earlier boss

          -10 and now there are two of them

          +14 because you can trick one into knocking his buddy down

          -8 for no nearby checkpoints

          +3 because they still ride dragons

                    score: -6

Looking Glass Knight

          -5 for being another damn armored guy

          +10 for being the best battle against an armored guy in the game

          +20 for the gorgeous location and weather effects

          +6 for the pretty shield

          -6 which he uses to summon phantoms into the battle

          +25 for summoning lightning from the sky like freaking Thor

                    score: 50

Demon of Song

          -8 for boss I never died against

          +16 for being a giant foreskin frog

          -8 for no nearby checkpoints

          -9 for being preceded by the most annoying section in the game

          +10 because at least you can listen to some lovely singing

                    score: 1

Velstadt, the Royal Aegis

          -6 for being another damn armored guy

          -8 for attacking so quickly with such a heavy weapon

          +12 for guarding the most poignant scene in the game

          -5 for being guarded by a roomful of those respawning bell ghost things

          +3 for helpfully standing still while powering up

                    score: -4

Guardian Dragon

          +25 for the prettiest boss arena in the game

          +25 for guarding the prettiest level in the game

          -20 for coming after Aldia's Keep, which is awful

          -8 for no nearby checkpoints

          +15 for being a good, old-fashioned fire-breathing dragon battle

          -1 for being a drake but calling itself a dragon

                    score: 36

Giant Lord

          -5 for basically just being a repeat of the Last Giant

          +18 for being the centerpiece of the best grinding spot of the game

          +5 for being protected by a massive rolling head

          -6 because this whole endgame stretch feels pretty rushed

          -7 for that downward swing attack

          -3 for excessive splash damage

          +5 for guarding a Giant Soul, which makes the Vendrick fight easier

                    score: 7

Throne Watcher and Throne Defender

          -8 for boss I never died against

          +8 actually, scratch that; I think I ran off the cliff once

          -10 for being more armored guys

          -12 for confusing me into thinking I was done with this area

          -20 because seriously, why was this boss even necessary?

          +6 for each showing some devotion after the other falls

                    score: -36

Nashandra

          -10 for the curse nodes

          +11 because the curse nodes can be destroyed

          -16 because the curse effect is insanely powerful on NG+

          +8 for being made of skeletons

          -9 because why did Vendrick marry someone who's made of skeletons?

          -5 for generic "you've proven yourself, now die" speech

          -7 because most of her attacks miss if you're up close

          -10 for being an all-around disappointing final boss

                    score: -38

Ancient Dragon

          +5 for being optional

          -15 for the outrageously difficult trek back every time you die

          -10 for the instakill area-of-effect attack

          -8 for an extremely limited moveset, all things considered

          +20 because the Gower Ring of Protection makes this fight a joke

          +12 for being surrounded by bloodstains from other players, like a boss

          +5 for guarding a Giant Soul, which makes the Vendrick fight easier

          +2 for setting up shop in a gorgeous area

                    score: 11

Vendrick

          +5 for being optional

          -14 for basically being impossible if you don't know the trick

          +15 because it's satisfying once you do know the trick

          -18 for making me fight a bunch of those damn anus-faced giants

          +20 for providing the game's most poignant image

          -25 because it honestly would have been cooler if you didn't fight him

                    score: -17

Darklurker

          +5 for being optional

          -8 for the ridiculous hoops you need to jump through to fight it

          -30 for making you waste a Human Effigy every time you fight it

          -5 for the fireballs

          -5 for the lasers

          -5 for the smoke bomb

          -20 for splitting into two halfway through the fight

          +10 because the first half of the fight is simple enough

          -3 for existing to make strength build players cry

                    score: -61

And here are the results:

31. Executioner's Chariot (-74)

30. Darklurker (-61)

29. Belfry Gargoyles (-42)

28. Royal Rat Vanguard (-41)

27. Nashandra (-38)

26. Throne Watcher and Throne Defender (-36)

25. Vendrick (-17)

24. Lost Sinner (-14)

23. Mytha, the Baneful Queen (-13)

22. Prowling Magus and Congregation (-10)

21. Ruin Sentinels (-9)

20. The Skeleton Lords (-7)

19. Twin Dragonriders (-6)

18. Royal Rat Authority (-5)

17. Velstadt, the Royal Aegis (-4)

16. Old Iron King (-2)

15. Flexile Sentry (-1)

14. Covetous Demon (0)

13. Demon of Song (1)

12. Old Dragonslayer (2)

11. Dragonrider (3)

10. Smelter Demon (4)

9. Scorpioness Najka (6)

8. Giant Lord (7)

7. Ancient Dragon (11)

6. The Last Giant (20)

5. The Pursuer (21)

4. Guardian Dragon (36)

3. The Rotten (43)

2. The Duke's Dear Freja (44)

1. Looking Glass Knight (50)

Thoughts on my second Dark Souls playthrough; also, I reviewed Infamous: Second Son (PS4)

If you've been following the transformative experience I've been having with Dark Souls over the past couple of months and think it's all very peculiar, well, just imagine how it must feel to be me. At the beginning of the year, I was on record naming Dark Souls the least amount of fun I've ever had playing a game, and now, just a couple of days ago, I told a colleague that it's well on its way to becoming one of my all-time favorites. And, really, that's just me being honest with myself.

In case anyone's wondering whether or not this'll inspire another rewrite, know that my newly-updated Dark Souls review stands. It's shoddy in some ways, downright broken in others, and full of design decisions that infuriate me. I think a 7/10 is more than reasonable, and I'm in no rush to recommend the game to anyone who isn't 100% committed to unearthing its many wonders. On the other hand, though, not only did I storm through the game in only four days, but as of this weekend, I've just beaten it again.

There are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, Dark Souls II, which was mechanically superior but ultimately forgettable, left me with a thirst to revisit the entry that truly entranced me. Secondly, now that I'm fully familiar with Lordran's layout, I was eager to test out some shortcuts and see just how quickly I could clear this thing without the mega-skills of a YouTube speedrunner. Thirdly, and most importantly, I wanted to check out the Artorias of the Abyss DLC, which you can't access until you're more than halfway through the game, anyway, and if I get that far, I might as well see Dark Souls through to the end. Again.

Since I've already written a rather thorough and (to my mind) reasonably well-organized review of Dark Souls, I think I've earned the right to express further thoughts by medium of lazy bullet points. I'd like to say that the following will be the last you hear from me about Dark Souls, but then I said that last time, too.

• This time, I managed to complete the game in only 20 hours, compared to the 50 it took me on my first run. I killed all of the bosses (including Gwyndolin, which I missed the first time) and completed all of the DLC. It's amazing how much more quickly the game moves once you actually know the world and can actually anticipate what the game is going to throw at you.

• I played it on PC this time. I'd heard that it was an awful port, and my goodness was that the truth. The mouse and keyboard controls are utterly broken (though why anyone would want to play Dark Souls with anything other than a standard controller is beyond me), and even when you bump the resolution in the options menu up to 1920x1080... it just stays at its native 720p. Thankfully, there's a relatively famous mod that fixes the latter problem, and the game looks considerably crisper than its console counterparts when you use it. Still, ugh.

• I'm punching myself for missing Artorias of the Abyss the first time, because it's fantastic. The four new bosses (Sanctuary Guardian, Artorias, Kalameet and Manus) are all among the best of the series, and some of the new areas are unnervingly creepy. The fact that the DLC is set hundreds of years prior to the other events of Dark Souls had me thinking that it'd be, I don't know, a grander and more optimistic period for Lordran, but as it turns out, this world was always terrifying, lonely and miserable. The only thing I don't like about Artorias of the Abyss is that its first area is a repeat of Darkroot Garden, which is one of the base game's least memorable areas. Otherwise, terrific.

• Also, the means to actually access the DLC are annoyingly convoluted. You need to interact with a specific NPC who was already available in the base game, and then return to that area with an unremarkable item dropped by a seemingly random enemy found in the Duke's Archives, accessible only after you finish Anor Londo and obtain the Lordvessel. I realize that obtuse design choices are kind of From Software's thing, but this is content that people are paying extra for, guys.

• I was able to bypass large chunks of the game through some sequence-breaking shortcuts that I learned about in this video. Specifically, I was able to skip pretty much all of the Catacombs and the Duke's Archives, though in the latter case, I found myself a bit under-leveled when I actually had to fight the boss. Also, while this wasn't an unintended shortcut on the developers' part, I used the back door into Blighttown (the one in the Valley of Drakes) to effectively negate most of that level and essentially jump straight to Quelaag's Domain. This also would have allowed me to skip the Depths entirely, but I did that anyway because I wanted to fight the Gaping Dragon again.

• I didn't summon any NPCs for assistance on my first run, but I did so for the Bell Gargoyle and Quelaag fights this time, because screw it.

• My greatest accomplishment on this run was defeating Ornstein and Smough on my first attempt without summoning help. Like I said, it's amazing how much more smoothly this game flows when you already know its dirty tricks.

• My absolute least-favorite parts of the game are as follows: the long trek back to Seath's lair every time you want to fight him; having to wade through poisonous water in order to fight Quelaag; the Bed of Chaos battle, which isn't "difficult" so much as it's just poorly-constructed and completely out of place; important bonfires in Sen's Fortress and Lost Izalith being tucked away in places you'd basically never find without help; the camera flipouts during the Centipede Demon battle.

• Some random joys that were new to me on this playthrough: actually knowing where to get Havel's armor set before the endgame; jumping over and killing the giant at the top of Sen's Fortress who's dropping the boulders through the ceiling; provoking Gwydolin into casting night upon Anor Londo and removing all of the enemies from the area; figuring out that the shortcut out of Blighttown can be used to get into Blighttown; shooting the Hellkite's tail and getting the Drake Sword immediately; noticing that ceiling of Lost Izalith is the same structure that can be seen from the entrance to Demon Ruins; fighting Kalameet.

One more thing...

I reviewed Infamous: Second Son this week. I really, really thought that this would be PlayStation 4's killer app, but instead it's just the shadow of a once-mighty giant, a superhero sandbox game that feels underwhelmingly ordinary now that superhero sandbox games are kind of a regular thing. It's also not a very interesting game to talk about, so I'm going to stop now.

I've been playing two games recently. The first is Luftrausers, which has a unique control scheme and not much else going for it. It applies Asteroids-style pivot-and-propel movement physics to an environment with actual gravity, which gives the game a unique feel, but as an arena-based bullet hell frenzy, it's both bland and entirely too hectic for a control scheme that demands a great deal of effort from players. The other game is Strider, which I'm kind of loving. It's basically a Metroid clone that clones Metroid well, and I'd recommend it if that sort of thing is an easy sell for you (as it is for me). Review hopefully incoming.

Three new reviews and a brief summary of a game that made me physically ill

Let's just do this in chronological order, then, yeah?

You know how the passersby are always getting their heads in a whirl about review scores while the critics themselves argue that the scores are beside the point? Here's why: Cloudbuilt. I impulsively bought it last weekend based on a colleague's praises and this video, wherein TotalBiscuit dismisses his ability to critique the game fairly due to the fact that he's embarrassingly crap at it. I kind of had the same experience - I eventually hit a wall wherein I was physically incapable of performing the feats that the game was asking me to perform. I wound up giving it a 6/10. What does that mean? Nothing. I don't like Cloudbuilt because it's beyond me, but it's also kind of spectacular if you happen to hit within its target audience (that being the speedrunners).

My review is here. And since I don't want you to see the score and immediately dismiss Cloudbuilt outright, I'll also point you toward Joe's more official review, which went up at precisely the same time and complements mine nicely. Different sides of the same coin, these are.

Even if you decide that Cloudbuilt isn't for you, though, I'd still urge you to check the game's soundtrack, which is absolutely extraordinary, as some presumably savvy and sophisticated individual is quoted saying right on that page. Seriously: If you know me, then you're well aware of my adoration for music, so when I say that I literally cannot recall the last time that I purchase a video game soundtrack for casual, anytime-anywhere listens, that should clue you in on just how special Jacob Lincke's work here is. In particular, the track "Aerial Walkways" is perhaps the sole reason I was able to stomach one especially nasty segment of the game.

The second review of mine posted this week was for a game called The Castle Doctrine over at GameCritics (in what I certainly hope will not be the last thing I write for those guys). Gonna be honest, here - the reviews I've done for GameCritics tend to be written long before they actually go live, which means, in this case, that I barely even remember anything about the game in question. It's an intriguing but ultimately kind of disastrous idea, a game that, and I quote, "asks too much of the player and offers too little in return." To do anything in The Castle Doctrine means putting all of your hard work thus far on the line, and for what? To push your way up the leaderboards and make yourself a bigger target, thus putting all of your hard work thus far on the line? It's a game in which the only possible outcome is to lose, unfairly and with nothing gained.

On the other hand, though, I can at least respect the fact that it's original. I believe that video games are art, and as such, the games historically most apt to offend me are the ones most artistically empty, cynical nonsense like Too Human and Knack that could very well have been made by machines for all of the inspiration that they house. The Castle Doctrine at least attempts something new, and while it fails, I admire the risk. Although the creator is reportedly kind of a buffoon, so maybe I should stay my tongue there.

Finally, I've at long last gotten around to reviewing Titanfall, after Dark Souls II devoured all of my time during that particular release week. I absolutely love the game, as expected from the considerable amount of time I spent with a beta a month or so back. You can read my thoughts here, and I do very much hope that I'm not overselling it. I know some people are upset about Titanfall's lack of a single-player campaign, but I've already gotten a couple dozens hours out of this thing and I can already tell you that it'll be my multiplayer title of choice for the foreseeable future. It's a big toy box full of awesome things, to heavily simplify the message.

I should have a review for Infamous: Second Son done by the end of the weekend. I have a weird compulsion in superhero sandbox games to do everything, even when the game in question is on PS4 and I couldn't care less about trophies. Since there's actual purpose behind the side quests in Infamous games (clearing out the city), catching spies, spraying stencil art and basically doing anything other than the standard story missions has been the order of business so far. My save file tells me that I'm at 75% completion, and that's without even having found the third set of powers yet. I don't know what it is with me and these games.

It's not even that great, honestly. Especially coming after Titanfall, the controls feel sluggish, and 30 frames per second is kind of the pits these days, eh? Superhero sandbox games are an easy sell for me, but they're also open to some potential pitfalls that Second Son embraces with big, beefy arms. I loved the first Infamous, but now, following titles like Just Cause 2 and Saints Row IV, the series just isn't tight or exciting enough to propel itself beyond the status of being typical genre fare: passable, sufficient, diverting, fine. I'm glad that my PS4 is finally getting use, but a killer app this ain't.

By the way, I also checked out TxK on Vita over the weekend, as per the recommendation of... someone. I don't know. I keep a list of 2014 releases I still need to check out - because I'm serious about pursuing this as an active line of work and that means being an expert - and TxK made it on there. It's unique because, with no history of epilepsy or motion sickness, this is the first game that I am physically unable to play. Some combination of the tunneled perspective, rapidly changing colors and techno-trance music is just too much for my body to handle, because picked up nausea and a raging headache after maybe 30 seconds with the game.

TxK seems cool, and I don't hold the developers responsible for this; like I said, this is unusual for me. Unfortunately, this means that I'll have to permanently cross TxK off my list. It's gotten good reception otherwise, but if you're interested, be warned about that.