Because I had nothing else to do tonight and because Dark Souls is nothing if not fun to talk about, I decided to put together an informal grading system for the game's bosses. You'll probably only get anything out of this if you've played the game as well and actually remember these battles, but hey, write for yourself, eh? (Pictured above: Iron Golem.)
Asylum Demon
-2 for
being unbeatable the first time you meet him
+4 for
that not being the case on New Game +
+2 for
being a relatively easy first boss
-4 for lack
of color
+1 pity
point for being overweight
total: 1
Taurus Demon
+5 for
gorgeous scenery
-8 for
sneaky snipers in the tower behind you
+5 for
being slow and easy to read
-3 for
knocking you off the wall
-3 for
fooling you into thinking you'd be safe at the top of the tower
-5 for
no nearby checkpoints
+12 for
being an engaging common enemy later in the game
total: 3
Bell Gargoyle
+5 for
gorgeous scenery
-6
because you'll be too angry to care
+5 for a
relatively fair first half
-10 for
calling in a second gargoyle
-10 for
second gargoyle cheaply spewing fire everywhere
-5 for
no nearby checkpoints
+8
because you can technically save this battle for later
-7
because most new players won't figure that out
total: -20
Capra Demon
+2 for
doggies!
-2
because the doggies are kind of assholes
-5 for
small arena with potential camera issues
+8 for
being able to toy with him from the top ledge
-1 for
the jump attack
+1 for the
jump attack being easy to dodge
-3 for
being guarded by sneaky ninja bastards
-5 for
no nearby checkpoints
+7 for
being an engaging common enemy later in the game
total: 2
Moonlight Butterfly
+4 for being pretty
+4 for
accompanying pretty music
-5 for
ridiculous magic spam attacks
+10 for
thoughtfully resting its head on the ledge so you can attack it
-11 for that shockwave attack it uses when you do
-11 for that shockwave attack it uses when you do
+7 for
being visible atop the tower shortly before you fight it
+5 for
being optional
total: 14
Gaping Dragon
+15 for
being the best creature design in the game
+5 for
fighting in a big, open arena
-3 for
that gobble attack
-4 for
spewing weapon-destroying goo all over the place
+8 for
that introductory scene
-5 for
not doing a solid job of keeping players the hell out of Blighttown
total: 24
Quelaag
+5 for
boobs
-6 for
boobs with no nipples
+10 for
spewing lava
-11
because the lava stays there and is actually really dangerous
-5 for
no nearby checkpoints
-10 for
making you wade through poisonous water every time you want to fight her
+4 for having a cool-looking lair
+4 for having a cool-looking lair
-5
because said lair is guarded by giant bastards throwing boulders
-1 for
the shockwave attack
total: -19
Stray Demon
-10 for pulling
you into the fight via sneaky collapsing floor
-5
because you'll also take damage from the fall
+3 for
being large and relatively slow
-5 for
that shockwave attack with the pink particle effects
+8 for the satisfaction of just
staying behind him for the whole fight
+5 for
being optional
total: -4
Great Grey Wolf Sif
+25 for being a giant wolf carrying a sword in his mouth
+10 for continuing to protect his master even after said master dies
+5 for fighting in a big, open arena
-8 for that double spin attack
+5 for his attacks being fair
-5 for no nearby checkpoints
-6 for being guarded by that spinning weasel thing
+15 for making me feel sad when he started limping around at the end
+5 bonus points for being the best fight of the game
total: 46
Iron Golem
+20 for
absolutely spectacular scenery
+5 for
relatively nearby checkpoint
-6
because it's really hard to find
-10 for
the giant throwing firebombs on you
+12 for
being able to permakill said giant before battle
-5 for
knocking you off the edge of the arena
+6
because that's really the only danger of the fight
+4 for
opening for the old "running between the boss's legs" trick
total: 25
Gwyndolin
+5 for
being optional
-5 for
neutrality's sake, because I missed this one and can't comment on it
score: 0
Ornstein and Smough
+10 for
sounding like a wacky comedy duo
-10 for
actually being a dragon slayer and an executioner
+5
because at least they're both drastically different adversaries
-12
because when you kill one, the other regains all of his health
-5 for
no nearby checkpoints
+8 for
the pillars making great cover
+1 for
Smough's ridiculously huge hammer
total: -3
Crossbreed Priscilla
+5 for
being optional
+10 for
explicitly giving players the option of leaving
+2 for
having a tail
-12 for
turning invisible
+13 for
the invisibility thing turning out to not be terribly cheap
+5 for
not having much health, all things considered
total: 23
Four Kings
-5 for
making you fight four of them
+4 for at
least having the courtesy of showing up one at a time
-6 for
the battle being set in a featureless abyss
-7 for
the contrived means of actually traversing said abyss
-8 for
making me kill Sif, you bastards
-10 for
basically forcing you to go on the complete offensive
-15 for
the nearest checkpoint literally being in another level
-3 for
the grapple attack
-5 for
the shockwave attack
+5
because at least their armor looks cool
total: -50
Seath the Scaleless
+20 for an awesome lair, and
the slow-burning reveal of said lair
-15 for
the nearest checkpoint literally being in another level
+15
because at least the scenery on the way is pretty phenomenal
+10 for canonically
being the reason I don't have to fight any other dragons
-5 for
having a curse attack
+6
because the attack is avoidable enough that I never actually got cursed
-1 for
initially throwing you into a prison with a bunch of jellyfish monsters
+3 for
the ambition of seeking the secret to immortality
-4 for
said secret just being a crystal that can be smashed in one hit
+5
because he can be lured into smashing it himself, which is hilarious
total: 34
Pinwheel
+5
because I beat him on my first try
-5
because that actually makes him kind of forgettable
+6 for
making a bunch of clones
-6
because he himself has barely any health
+2 for
the masks
+2 for
dropping one of them at the end of the battle
score: 4
Gravelord Nito
+8 for
having the title "Gravelord"
-8 for
his actual name sounding like "neat-o"
+10 for
being made of skeletons
-6 for
the massive enemies in the back of the arena
+6
because those enemies won't attack you if you stay away from them
-3
because that underground attack is pretty cheap
+7 for
being a massive boss with attacks that are easy to read
-5
because you'll automatically take damage from the fall into the arena
total: 15
Ceaseless Discharge
+10 for
being called "Ceaseless Discharge"
+3 for
having a giant fiery octopus sprouting out of his back
+10 for
being able to instakill him by luring him to the entrance of the area
-9 for
the trick bugging out if you die and return
-7 for
the borderline-unavoidable fire breath attack
+5
because he doesn't actually attack you until you steal his stuff
total: 12
Demon Firesage
-10 for
just being the Stray Demon with some orange paint
+10
because you'll actually be ready for his attacks this time
+5 for
not using any dirty tricks to pull you into the battle like Stray Demon did
+3 for
fighting in a relatively large arena
-3 for
said large arena being full of spindly tree branches
total: 5
Centipede Demon
+12 for fantastic creature
design
-10 for
most of the arena floor being covered with lava
-15 for
the tiny strips of land sending the camera absolutely haywire
+3 for
the player who left me a note warning me about that
+20 for
there being a checkpoint immediately before this battle
-7 for
the shockwave attack
-8 for throwing
fireballs when I tried to lure him out of the lava
-10 for
this battle being insanely unfair to melee-centric builds
total: -15
Bed of Chaos
-10 for the
closest checkpoint being hidden behind an illusory wall
-20 for
basically doing the Gradius-style "glowing
weak points" routine
+30 for
your progress actually not being reset when you die
-25 for
mandatory platforming
+12 for
an exploit wherein she can't hit you during one of the phases
-100 for
canonically being the source of every demon in this game
total: -113
Gwyn
-20 for
basically having no stamina limit
+20
because you can just shield yourself with one of the stalagmites
+10 because
no one else seemed to figure that strategy out
+10
which underlines the open-endedness of the combat in Dark Souls
-8 for
being guarded by a bunch of respawning black knights
+5 for
marking the triumphant end of your playthrough
total: 17
And here they are, ranked:
22. Bed of Chaos (-113)
21. Four Kings (-50)
20. Bell Gargoyle (-20)
19. Quelaag (-19)
18. Centipede Demon (-15)
17. Stray Demon (-4)
16. Ornstein and Smough (-3)
15. Gwyndolin (0)
14. Asylum Demon (1)
13. Capra Demon (2)
12. Taurus Demon (3)
11. Pinwheel (4)
10. Demon Firesage (5)
9. Ceaseless Discharge (12)
8. Moonlight Butterfly (14)
7. Gravelord Nito (15)
6. Gwyn (17)
5. Crossbreed Priscilla (23)
4. Gaping Dragon (24)
3. Iron Golem (25)
2. Seath the Scaleless (34)
1. Great Grey Wolf Sif (46)
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