So, yes, my third playthrough went swimmingly, completed in just over nine hours (a testament to how quickly these Souls games go when you actually know what you're doing and where you're going). I was considering doing a double dip review of the PC version to complement my first write-up, and that's still on the table, but for now, I thought I'd have a little fun and assemble a scorecard for the game's bosses, much like I once did for the first Dark Souls. This playthrough marked me finally encountering and killing Darklurker, meaning I've officially fought everything on this list.
Since I've completed the game three times, including once on NG+, there will be a slight point deduction for any boss that I never died against. 'Cause, y'know, these games are supposed to be hard. (Pictured above: Looking Glass Knight.)
The Last Giant
+5
for having an anus for a face
+10 for breaking
off his own arm and hitting you with it
+3 for not being
terribly far from the nearest checkpoint
+5 for being an
all-around good starter boss
-3 for taking so
long
total: 20
The Pursuer
+5 for being
optional
+2
for being a big armored guy; I'm sure that won't get old
-5 for showing up
earlier in the level and terrorizing unsuspecting players
+1 for reappearing
in the Smelter Demon arena later on
-1 for not dropping
many souls for that battle
+12 for being
shuttled around everywhere by a giant bird
+3 for guarding the
shortcut into the Lost Bastille
+3 and the
Drangleic Armor set, which kicks ass
-10 for the impale
attack
+5 for being
extremely vulnerable to ballista fire
+6 for letting
players troll each other with the ballistas
score: 21
Dragonrider
-8 for boss I never
died against
+3 for that trick
with the rising platforms
+2 for at least
setting up shop in a pretty area
+5 for being a guy
who apparently rides dragons
+1 for showing up
early and therefore not feeling redundant
score: 3
Old Dragonslayer
-8
for boss I never died against
+5 for being
optional
+6 for being
Ornstein!
-3 because that's
lazy
+2 for guarding the
Tower Shield, which I used a lot
score: 2
Flexile Sentry
-8
for boss I never died against
+5 for being
optional (technically)
+6 for being a
two-headed pirate bastard
-4 for that
annoying switch hunt required to summon the ship
score: -1
Ruin Sentinels
+5
for being optional
+5 for only being optional if you explore
thoroughly
-10 for making me
fight three of these damn things
+3 because at least
you can fight the first one solo
-4 for
shield-throwing
+5 because the
shield-throwing renders them lower on defenses
-8 for being
guarded by something like a dozen quick soldiers
-5 for showing up
later in Drangleic Castle and being annoying
score: -9
Belfry Gargoyles
+5
for being optional
-3 for being a
repeat of the Bell Gargoyle fight from the first game
-10 which everybody
freaking hated
-10 for there being
five of them this time
-12 which you'll
fight simultaneously if you're not quick enough
-12 for constant
invasions in the area directly preceding this
score: -42
Lost Sinner
+8 for the bug
crawling out of the eye socket
-2 because this is
where I started to get sick of bipedal armored guys
-3 for being
insanely quick
-6 for making me
wade past a bunch of exploding zombies to get here
-10 for summoning
two phantoms mid-fight on NG+
-1 for being an underwhelming Great Soul holder, all things considered
score: -14
The Skeleton Lords
-3
for being more a collection of small enemies than a boss
-5 for those damned
skeleton wheel guys
+1 I don't hate
this boss
score: -7
Executioner's Chariot
+5
for being optional
-6 for sure as hell
seeming mandatory
-7 for the stupid
skeletons
-8 because the
stupid skeletons respawn
+4 because at least
you can kill the necromancers
-10 for getting run
over basically meaning an instant death
-10 for having two
phases
-12 for the hassle
it takes to get back every time you die
-30 for not even
guarding anything interesting
score: -74
Covetous Demon
-8
for boss I never died against
+8 for looking like
Jabba the Hutt
score: 0
Mytha, the Baneful Queen
-20 for the
battle being set in a pool of poisonous water
+5
because at least you can drain the water
-5
because no one would figure that out without help
+9 for attacking by throwing her own head, which is awesome
-2
for regenerating health while standing in the poison pool
score:
-13
Smelter Demon
+5
for being optional
-3 for being
another damn armored guy
-5 for burning
players who stand too close
+5 for guarding a
handy checkpoint
+3 for being a good
point of reference for locating Zweihander
-1 in memory of
players everywhere with low fire defense
score: 4
Old Iron King
+5
for basically being a Balrog
-5 because a big
goat demon rising out of lava is kinda clichéd
+8 for the massive,
creepy idol immediately preceding this fight
-10 for just standing
there and pounding the ground like a goof
+6 for having a
hand beam
-6 for having a
hand beam
score: -2
Royal Rat Authority
+5
for being optional
-3 for being more a
collection of small enemies than a boss
+10 for being the
weirdest boss of the Souls series
-7 for the constant
status afflictions
-5 for the actual
boss not showing up immediately
-5 for the
"grey spirit" invasion nonsense preceding this fight
score: -5
The Rotten
+10
for being made of bodies
+8 for the
genuinely intriguing intro cutscene
+5 because you can
chop his arms off
+10 because he'll
still swing at you with the stumps, adorably
-6 for the grab
attack
-4 for the fire
pits
+20 for being a
social reject and a big, lovable doofus
score: 43
Scorpioness Najka
+5
for boobs
-6 for boobs with
no nipples
+8 for being a
giant scorpion lady
+8 because she's
got a friend called the "Manscoprion"
-10 for that burrow
attack
+5 because you can
chop her limbs off
-4 for the toxic
attacks
score: 6
Prowling Magus and Congregation
-8 for boss I never
died against
-3 for being more a
collection of small enemies than a boss
+1 pity point for
being statistically the game's least-killed enemy
score: -10
Royal Rat Vanguard
+5 for being
optional
-10 just rehashing
the Sif fight
-20 and removing
everything that was cool about it
-15 for the charge
attack
-10 for having rat
cronies
-10 who give you
toxic
+7for being a rat
so massive it looks like a dog
+12 for the bonfire
being extremely close
score: -41
The Duke's Dear Freja
+20
for being a giant two-headed spider that shoots lasers
+10 for the title
"Duke's Dear"
-5 for the little
spiders
-10 who respawn
+8 for having one
of the game's few cool "lairs"
+12 for the neat
little dragon memory it's guarding
+9 for surprising
you at an earlier spot on NG+
score: 44
Twin Dragonriders
-5
for just being a repeat of an earlier boss
-10 and now there
are two of them
+14 because you can
trick one into knocking his buddy down
-8 for no nearby
checkpoints
+3 because they
still ride dragons
score: -6
Looking Glass Knight
-5
for being another damn armored guy
+10 for being the
best battle against an armored guy in the game
+20 for the
gorgeous location and weather effects
+6 for the pretty
shield
-6 which he uses to
summon phantoms into the battle
+25 for summoning
lightning from the sky like freaking Thor
score: 50
Demon of Song
-8
for boss I never died against
+16 for being a
giant foreskin frog
-8 for no nearby checkpoints
-9 for being
preceded by the most annoying section in the game
+10 because at
least you can listen to some lovely singing
score: 1
Velstadt, the Royal Aegis
-6
for being another damn armored guy
-8 for attacking so
quickly with such a heavy weapon
+12 for guarding
the most poignant scene in the game
-5 for being
guarded by a roomful of those respawning bell ghost things
+3 for helpfully
standing still while powering up
score: -4
Guardian Dragon
+25 for the
prettiest boss arena in the game
+25 for guarding
the prettiest level in the game
-20 for coming
after Aldia's Keep, which is awful
-8 for no nearby
checkpoints
+15 for being a
good, old-fashioned fire-breathing dragon battle
-1 for being a
drake but calling itself a dragon
score: 36
Giant Lord
-5
for basically just being a repeat of the Last Giant
+18 for being the
centerpiece of the best grinding spot of the game
+5 for being
protected by a massive rolling head
-6 because this
whole endgame stretch feels pretty rushed
-7 for that
downward swing attack
-3 for excessive
splash damage
+5 for guarding a
Giant Soul, which makes the Vendrick fight easier
score: 7
Throne Watcher and Throne Defender
-8
for boss I never died against
+8 actually,
scratch that; I think I ran off the cliff once
-10 for being more armored guys
-12 for confusing
me into thinking I was done with this area
-20 because
seriously, why was this boss even necessary?
+6 for each showing
some devotion after the other falls
score: -36
Nashandra
-10
for the curse nodes
+11 because the
curse nodes can be destroyed
-16 because the
curse effect is insanely powerful on NG+
+8 for being made
of skeletons
-9 because why did
Vendrick marry someone who's made of skeletons?
-5 for generic
"you've proven yourself, now die" speech
-7 because most of
her attacks miss if you're up close
-10 for being an
all-around disappointing final boss
score: -38
Ancient Dragon
+5
for being optional
-15 for the
outrageously difficult trek back every time you die
-10 for the
instakill area-of-effect attack
-8 for an extremely
limited moveset, all things considered
+20 because the
Gower Ring of Protection makes this fight a joke
+12 for being
surrounded by bloodstains from other players, like a boss
+5 for guarding a
Giant Soul, which makes the Vendrick fight easier
+2 for setting up
shop in a gorgeous area
score: 11
Vendrick
+5
for being optional
-14 for basically
being impossible if you don't know the trick
+15 because it's
satisfying once you do know the trick
-18 for making me
fight a bunch of those damn anus-faced giants
+20 for providing
the game's most poignant image
-25 because it
honestly would have been cooler if you didn't fight him
score: -17
Darklurker
+5 for being optional
-8 for the
ridiculous hoops you need to jump through to fight it
-30 for making you
waste a Human Effigy every time you
fight it
-5 for the
fireballs
-5 for the lasers
-5 for the smoke
bomb
-20 for splitting
into two halfway through the fight
+10 because the
first half of the fight is simple enough
-3 for existing to
make strength build players cry
score:
-61
And here are the results:
31. Executioner's Chariot (-74)
30. Darklurker (-61)
29. Belfry Gargoyles (-42)
28. Royal Rat Vanguard (-41)
27. Nashandra (-38)
26. Throne Watcher and Throne Defender (-36)
25. Vendrick (-17)
24. Lost Sinner (-14)
23. Mytha, the Baneful Queen (-13)
22. Prowling Magus and Congregation (-10)
21. Ruin Sentinels (-9)
20. The Skeleton Lords (-7)
19. Twin Dragonriders (-6)
18. Royal Rat Authority (-5)
17. Velstadt, the Royal Aegis (-4)
16. Old Iron King (-2)
15. Flexile Sentry (-1)
14. Covetous Demon (0)
13. Demon of Song (1)
12. Old Dragonslayer (2)
11. Dragonrider (3)
10. Smelter Demon (4)
9. Scorpioness Najka (6)
8. Giant Lord (7)
7. Ancient Dragon (11)
6. The Last Giant (20)
5. The Pursuer (21)
4. Guardian Dragon (36)
3. The Rotten (43)
2. The Duke's Dear Freja (44)
1. Looking Glass Knight (50)
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